A quick guide on communication, by Celeste Headlee.
Photo by Ilyass SEDDOUG on Unsplash
There are several theories out there to explain how human-beings started talking and communicating with each other. However, we know for sure that we have been communicating with each other for over a million years.
Some theories support that language evolved as a part of mating. People use them to allure the opposite sex.
Researcher Miyagawa argues that there is a high probability that human-beings had developed language million years ago by combining the gestural language of animals with the songs of birds.
Whatever the root of language and communication, we need to learn how to better our skills. Poor communications destroy business, families, relationships, and our universe.
Poor communication costs us about $37 billion a year, according to a study from training provider Cognisco. That boils down to a tally, per worker, of more than $26,000 annually. And that calculation only includes companies with more than one hundred employees
While technology has seen advancements, human-beings lose empathy and conversational skills. From 2000 to 2014, the number of texts sent in a month rose by 547 billion.
Researchers have found a 40 percent decline in empathy among students. We need certain strategies to increase the level of empathy and quality of the conversations once we had cherished.
1. Do NOT Multitask
According to MIT neuroscientist Earl Miller, the brain is constantly fooling itself and you. Whenever we feel good about multitasking and thinking about getting things done simultaneously, we are deluding ourselves. The real thing is we just switch back and forth. Remember you are one processor, use it wisely.
The bad news is multitasking is something the brain enjoys. That rapid action stemming from jumping from one activity to another gives dopamine rush to the brain. This, in turn, what makes us feel great about multitasking.
Be present, face your friend while talking, be serious, be interested in what she says and try to keep the focus on the matter she is talking about. Do not turn the attention to yourself.
Try to use support responses. When you hear someone complaining about the workload, do not start complaining about your workload. Just ask, how can I help ? or what is different than the past workloads? Is there something that you can do to improve productivity maybe?
2. Do NOT Talk about yourself, if not asked
Human beings are inclined to talk on and on about themselves, this is a kind of by-product of evolution. Researchers have asserted that humans spend 60 percent of the conversation talking about themselves. Their experiences, emotions, suggestions, or the stories that they have heard on a related matter.
In her book Being a Brain-Wise Therapist, Bonnie Badenoch writes, “If I watch you lick an ice cream cone, the same neurons will fire in both our brains, even though I only get to lick the ice cream internally.” The same principle holds when we hear someone describe an experience — the brain responds as if it’s been presented with a visual stimulus.
People generally think that when you hear a story, responding with similar experiences and stories are good ways of showing empathy. However, yes you guessed it, researchers point in the opposite direction. We are not good judges of when we are empathetic. Telling our stories instead of being interested in what is told and mirroring the experience are not the wise ways of having conversations.
3. Do NOT give advice, if not asked
You may think that you have the best advice for your buddy. You have experienced the same problem and got out of the rabbit hole by applying some strategies. That’s good. However, when someone opens up to you, the most important thing that they need is the feeling that they are being heard. Do not start advising unless you are asked to.
Here is a beautiful quote from the book by Taylor Swift:
I never advise unless someone asks me for it. One thing I’ve learned, and possibly the only advice I have to give, is to not be that person giving out unsolicited advice based on your personal experience. — Taylor Swift
You can use this trait to your advantage though. Ask someone a piece of advice about a topic you are interested in if you would like to improve relationships with that person. People love giving advice. They will love you more when they are asked for one.
Even Cialdini recommends it:
Here’s what I’m going to recommend that you say instead of asking for an opinion on a topic. Can you give me your — not opinion — can you give me your advice on this?
Here’s what the research shows. Asking for advice causes them to take a half step towards you psychologically, to put themselves in a partnership, collaborative, cooperative state of mind. And the research shows they then become more supportive of your plan or idea before they experience it.
Start every conversation with a solid intention that you have something to learn. Do not try to make someone understand you or be persuaded by you.
4. Use open-ended questions
If you want detailed answers and quality conversation, start your questions with who, what, when, where, why, or how.
If you ask “Were you depressed when you two broke up” The answer will be yes. But if you ask “How did you hold up after the break-up” you have increased your chance of quality conversation. Quality conversation strengthens your bond with your buddy. It paves the way for deeper connections.
Do not use loaded and closed questions. Do not aim for a certain response or a one-word reaction. Dig deeper.
5. TL;DR
1: Don’t multitask.
2: Don’t give advice.
3: Use open-ended questions. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why, or how. You ask a deeper question, you will get a deeper answer.
4: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.
5: Say “I don’t know more”. There is no shame in not knowing, but in not learning.
6: Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member. And also, remember that everybody has some problems. You live your hardships, you never know what hardships your friends are going through. Be kind.
7: Try not to repeat yourself. Tell something, feel the reactions and then move on.
8: Listen. Listen deeply. If you are just waiting for your turn to talk, you are not listening.
9: Be brief. The average human attention span is about eight seconds, remember that fact when you are having conversations and making presentations.
If you are fond of videos, here is the authors’ talk at Google.
And do not rely on social media that much, this may seem off-topic but worth mentioning.
One recent study of our social media use suggested that nearly half of online friendships are “non-reciprocal.” That is, half of the people you identify as your “friends” online do not feel the same way about you.
Check out issues posted before :
Forward, always.
Ratip.